when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
