note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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