There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
