her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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