About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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