he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
