I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
