I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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