pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
