Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
