I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
