Someone shit on the floor
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
