The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
