So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
