I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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