You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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