I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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