when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
