All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
