can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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