just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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