As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
