my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
