I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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