Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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