I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
