so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
