You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
