I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
