He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize