There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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