I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
