i already hear my dad disowning me
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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