remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
