And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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