I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You have to summon your inner elephant
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize