He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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