I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
