Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
