She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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