If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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