Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
