Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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