i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
