I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
