well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think my moral compass just broke
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