No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
