there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
