i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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