Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
