you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
