why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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