If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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