Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Randomize
