Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
