It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
