I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize